how long do you think it’s going to take until they come up with a porno called “stimulus package”?
wtf?
how come witches are evil and wizards are kickass?
they both do magic but witches got burned at the stake and wizards got a basketball franchise named after them.
thank you, tina fey
now every single time i see sarah palin, i think of you. and then i giggle. any chance she ever had of being taken seriously has evaporated.
i guess i should thank youtube too, since no one really watches snl anymore.
heh heh.
something else i hate
you know when you start writing a letter in word, and that stupid little paperclip pops up with his douchebag smile right in the middle of the page, ceasing any further work on your part while you answer his stupid questions? and he’s all “hey!!! it looks like you’re writing a letter! want me to help you? yea!!!!”
and i’m thinking, “no, you fucking twit. i don’t need help writing a letter from a goddamned paperclip. thanks for interrupting my stream of thought with your stupid interjection. now i have to stop what i’m doing to click “no thanks” (it should say “fuck off” instead).
whoever came up with that brilliant idea should be promoted, posthaste.
memo to california:
LEARN HOW TO F*#@ING MERGE!!!!!!!
i’ve lived all over the good old us of a. born in virginia, went to school in wisconsin. spent a bunch of time in colorado, wyoming and new orleans. driven across interstate 80 more times than i care to remember (i can still smell nebraska).
but across america’s highways and byways, no one holds a candle to the piss poor drivers in good old californ-i-a.
time for Driving with Barry, a 4 part series.
Part 1: How to Merge.
1. determine that you have enough time and space to safely move over into the next lane. note: that means 1 lane at a time. being in the far left lane and saying “ooh! there’s my exit! in a quarter mile! five lanes to the right! better get on over!! look out, other drivers!” does not qualify as safe.
2. put on your signal. if you’re going to the right, you put on the right signal. (it’s pretty shocking how often people get this wrong. if you’re 90 and the kids can’t get you to give up the keys, and you have the ‘as a matter of fact i do own the road’ mentality, i can get down with that. i’ll be the same way. if you’re asian, you also get a pass. i swear to god there is a genetic deficiency. i’ve only known 1 good asian driver in my whole life – big ups to lisa pisa). but if you’re eating, putting on makeup, on the phone or for the love of god TEXT MESSAGING, you deserve a big fat kick in the teeth. (i swear, for all the kicks in the teeth i threaten, i need some roundhouse lessons. where is chuck norris these days?)
3. check your mirrors. be aware of your blind spots. the mirrors are those reflective surfaces on the sides of your car and above the dashboard. you know, where you CHECK YOUR NOSTRILS FOR DEBRIS.
4. if you can get over with a safe margin of distance between you and the cars in the lane in which you’d like to move, go ahead and slide in there. (safe means more than 9″, boy racer). or wait until the next car passes if you see an opening coming down the pike. this might take awhile: that’s ok. sometimes a nice driver will even blink their lights to signal that it’s safe for you to head over. if they do this, MOVE OVER. don’t look back and forth between your lane and theirs for the next hour and a half, trying to decide if you have the mental and emotional fortitude to make this most simple of maneuvers.
5. once you’ve successfully navigated your way into the next lane, turn off your signal. (you’d also be surprised how often this step is neglected).
notice, in no place in the 5 steps i have just laid out, did i say you should, in 65 per hour traffic on a windy bridge with heavy traffic, SLOW DOWN TO 17 MILES PER HOUR. hear that, california? now, i understand that the next lane may be going slightly faster or slower than your own, and you therefore have to adjust your speed. common sense would tell you that. but apparently, common sense has abandoned california, because i see this bullshit piece of crap driving EVERY FUCKING DAY. (quiet, peanut gallery. i know the rest of the country thinks california is full of aimless hippie douchebags, but there are so many transplants here we’ve been able to inflict our will on the natives).
here’s what i see: car in next lane over. car puts on signal, and immediately slows to half it’s original speed, waiting for a mile long opening before even considering moving over. i hang back, wave them over, flash my lights, even slowing down myself at times (against my better judgement), which automatically screws the guy tailgating me, which screws the guy tailgating him. they still won’t take the plunge. after 3 or 4 minutes of this, i speed up to pass this moron at the allotted legal speed. only then, once i am dangerously close to his bumper, does he finally decide to make his move.
thanks, asshole. i brake, but not so hard that the tailgator kills me, but enough that i can avoid rear ending the offending dumbshit.
i then (safely) get out of his lane so i can pass him, obscene gestures at the ready.
then i notice something that catches my attention. dude is driving a really nice car.
you’d think someone with an $80,000 mercedes would be a little more careful. a little more aware of his surroundings. but no. in fact i notice that the majority of completely inept drivers are driving a) expensive, ominous looking sedans, b) priuses (those lunactics are the WORST) or c) ancient subarus/volkswagens/volvos, which actually can’t go fast or may have been built before the invention of turn signals and therefore are exempt.
now, if you drive a car like mine, you could be a little more feckless. a bit daring, if you will. the kind of car that has been missing the front grille for 4 years. the kind where dudes conistently stop you in parking lots and offer to do some ‘body work’ for you (maybe they weren’t talking about my car, though. hmmm). the kind where the turn signals stop working when you put your foot on the brake (maybe that has something to do with my advocacy of maintaining speed when switching lanes).
yes, if you are driving a beater, you can be a bit of a renegade.
not that i’m implying i drive that way, though. no siree. i was trained in the sacher/gibbons school of automotive operations. the sacher side taught me control. i’m in charge of this tank, dammit! i will not be pushed around by this 2 ton bag of bolts!!! i’ll handle curves deftly!!! i understand the rules of downshifting!!! i can actually change the radio station without causing a 4 car pile up!!! and then there’s the gibbons side. be aware of your surroundings. try to anticipate the moves of your co-road warriors, and be prepared!! (this is hard when the other people in the road have apparently never operated a vehicle without a heartbeat). i swear to god, my mom’s farsightedness is really impressive. in the good old days, on road trips, she could sense the fast food 1.7 miles ahead and run interference before we started screaming for milkshakes. her tactics also include calling people “joker” and “mister” when they misbehave on the road. i clearly take after dad in that respect. “fucking jackass” is far more satisfying.
anyway, i just had to get that rant off my chest, especially in lieu of the new law which will be adopted on july 1st. california is getting on the ‘hands free’ bandwagon with regard to cell phones. if i see a bunch of bmw’s on the road whose operators are driving without their hands on the wheel (a total possibility. i’m not even kidding) i’m calling chuck norris.
west wing
is flippin’ awesome.
my roommate has the whole series on dvd. i started with season two. i think i remember someone, somewhere saying that’s when it got good. i’m watching the episode where toby gets curious about why the vice president is behaving in a campaigny manner, and leo and bartlett have to tell him about the m.s. you know in the beginning, when toby is trying to figure out what hoynes is up to? and he’s bouncing the ball around? i got goosebumps. no shit.
why? a series
this year my blog will take on some of life’s toughest questions.
for example:
how come there are so many bottle opener keychains when you’re not supposed to drink and drive?
thoughts?
love/hate
my older brother aj once said that i have an opinion about everything. which is complete bullshit. there are plenty of things i’m ambivalent towards. i just don’t talk, write, or think about those things. so there, bro. put that in your pipe and smoke it. or make it into tea and drink it, or whatever you people do down in LA.
anyhow, recently i started making lists of the things i am the most opinionated about. essentially, a love/hate list. and i thought i would share it with you, my readers (mom and jessie).
let’s start with hate. in no particular order:
I HATE:
when women that are younger than me, or even close to my age, call me “hon.” if you are not a female relative over 50 or a waitress in a diner over 50, i suggest you refrain from calling me hon. in fact, the next 22 year old skank bartender who calls me hon is going to get a barryzito in the face. ok maybe not that dramatic, but your tip is going to take a hit, no doubt.
the douchebag from the ups ‘whiteboard’ commercials. partcularly his douchebag haircut. and i’m not alone in this. adam? right? you’re with me on this, remember?
sweaters that are too short or have 3/4 sleeves. gross.
hot feet. cold feet are no picnic either, but hot feet are the worst.
tapered pant legs. vomit.
soul patches. (see ‘love’ section for acceptable facial hair configurations).
cat dander. yes, your kitty is adorable. now keep it the hell away from me.
when people say ‘chipolte’ and ‘expresso.’
CILANTRO.
anything that tastes like licorice. anise. fennel. jaegermeister. blackjack gum. ouzo. sambuca. you get my drift.
towers girls.
jason varitek.
castor oil.
when girls in close proximity spin their heads around in mock surprise/excitement because some whitehat just walked in the room, and their ponytail smacks you in the face.
wagner. i’d rather listen to ace of base for 12 hours straight than one movement of wagner.
ok, that’ll do it for hate. i’m sure i’ll come up with more later. maybe i’ll do a yearly love/hate in case anyone forgets how opinionated i am.
now, for the hot sauce.
I LOVE:
the smell of just blown out candles and matches.
tim tams!
manual transmissions (automatics are for pansies. i know you feel me on this one, right mom?)
wisconsin.
sundays.
full beards.
sand dollars. actually any dollars are pretty sweet but mermaid money is the bestest of all.
hops. ipa’s are mvp of the beer world.
oxtails.
jabberwocky.
butter.
tadpoles. especially the word tadpole. a close second to the word ‘twilight’ in the great words realm.
earl grey tea.
finn’s.
sleep.
sports.
LOST!!!
maryland blue crabs.
vicodin.
phish phrys.
new zealand.
frisbee.
modigliani.
ok that should cover it for this installment.
phew. i feel better now. i needed to get that off my chest. everyone have a wonderful friday.
oh sorry, i was under sniper fire.
hey pam, remember at work last week, when i got all heated when you said higgs might not start on monday, and i stamped off in a fury like a 4 year old who didn’t get a jello pudding pop after dinner?
please excuse my behavior. i was under sniper fire.
and pops, remember how we were at that show and i thought it sucked so i made us leave and then they played your favorite song? and jimi hendrix came back from the dead to play with them?
oops. sniper fire, brah. not at all heady.
and mom, remember a while back when i was 6 or 7 sheets to the wind and let trrr drive your gti? and well, uh, you know.
i was actually under sniper fire.
hey mae, remember when i hid from you outside finn’s when all you were trying to do was put me in a cab? and i wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding because the helium balloons i had stolen from the gym on the corner were sticking out from my hiding place?
sorry about that. sniper fire.
oh and shan, remember at your wedding when i dropped my keys in the lake and had to bribe your friend jordan to give me a ride to the airport and i missed brunch and i had to pay $350 to have the rental towed from grand rapids to minneapolis?
sniper fire.
hey jeanette, remember in high school when i told your mom you were drunk because i was scared but then you got grounded for like, a month?
SNIPER. FIRE.
clearly, sniper fire is a real problem in this country. in fact, i can’t remember the last time i made a mistake that wasn’t due to sniper fire. well don’t worry everyone. i have a solution to this problem.
all i need to do is get a gun and some binoculars, and then i can snipe the shit out of everybody. hooah.
what’s up with vitamins?
i’ve never met a vitamin that didn’t smell really, really rank.
what’s the deal with that?
since i haven’t had a good night sleep in, oh, i don’t know, 8 months, i’ve been trying all sorts of remedies. some legal (exercise, chamomile tea, lorazepam, cotes du rhone, reading about storm drainage), some not exactly legal (ak-47 from west county- so far the most effective means of knocking myself unconscious)- you get the picture. some of my heady friends said to try valerian root. so i got some of that too.
last night i took a valerian, as i had a big day today and needed my beauty rest.
as soon as i opened the bottle, i thought i was going to vomit. and after i swallowed it, i had to wash my hands like 3 times and break out the lavender lotion to get rid of the reekiness.
then i started thinking (bad idea when you want to pass out) about how all vitamins are really, really offensive to the olfactory senses.
comments? thoughts? anyone know of any vitamins that smell like pumpkin pie?
or more importantly, anyone know how to sleep like you did when you were a kid? i’ll try just about anything at this point. except ambien. it makes people into zombies.
